Not even my war

I can't realize how I got into this mess, it is not even my war, I'm not defending my "honor", I'm far from that silliness, what am I, holly Mary?! As I said I'm far from it, I never believed in Islam, I believed in the idea of a kind and merciful god, if not for that idea wild horses couldn't have stopped me from enjoying life to the fullest, and I have never been shy to declare that even while I was trying to commit to faith, that, thinking the way I think, and looking the way I look, and dressing the way I dress, and being a free artist in my core, most of the times I got up at dawn when I heard the athan, and washed even in cold water during winter cause I was too sleepy to use the water heater, I did all that out of love as I said before, so I really don't understand how some one like me got in an "honor" episode like this! I'm far from defending sexual prohibition, I'm pro sexual freedom, always have been, always will be, not being fond of fast relations lacking meaning, is out of character and lack of experience, that makes me unable to decide what I would desire in a relationship, but not out of religion. Taking into consideration that I have to stick to the "celibacy outside of marriage" rule so cherished in this retarded country's hypocrite code of ethics as long as I'm in this situation, other wise I'll be called a whore and they would make it a reason for the abandonment and betrayal I've been subjected to by every one, near and far. Every one is completely turning their backs to the truth for their own benefit, and the truth is that I'm suffering from rape symptoms, among many other illnesses I was subjected to during twenty one years of torture, but obviously no one seems to care, and the fact that they're actually digging in my head to find anything to pin on me and can't find anything so they magnify certain whispers of their choice zillions of times to assassinate my character, and use anything against me, a completely justified feeling of fear, some childish sense of humor due to the mess they created torturing me in my home environment which is a steep low level that I don't think was achieved before in this manner, even a nervous breakdown and a long long long long over due virginity, and me leading a fairly normal life after all this, amongst fair people a couple of dozens of statues would have been built for me already, I'm sure the people of Egypt are eagerly waiting for me to die to start weeping and indulge them selves in their usual sick guilt episodes of "who is responsible for this crime?! We all are, we failed her, we are bad people" let's write some songs and go back to sleep, an awakening of conscious after more than twenty years of torture, typical of this country. The only thing I'm defending here is my freedom, I'm not even concerned with putting an end to the evil that happened to me, I'm not an idiot to think that one person can stop such an evil, it took millions to inflect it, it will take millions to end it, if things stay the way they are according to the rule "every one for them selves" not even a silly quarrel will be ended, if people don't wise up and realize the magnitude of the evil taking place, there is nothing that any single person, Mohamed, Mary or Christ him self, or I, human woman, who even if I am, being a profit doesn't make me a different person or would change my attitude in anything, can do anything single handed, no one can do anything alone to stop an evil that feeds on people's ignorance and abandonment of ethics, an evil created by people specialized in creating civil wars, create a gap to be able to get inside and pretend to fix it, while they're sabotaging all along to clear the field for them selves. My main concern is to save my own neck, I'm not a hero nor I will ever want to be one, IT IS NOT MY WAR.